A retired National Hockey League player revered by many told a gathering in Prince George today he survived only by living a double life.
Sheldon Kennedy, a right winger who played in the NHL with Detroit Red Wings, Boston Bruins and Calgary Flames, was in town Wednesday to share his decade-long dark journey of sexual abuse at the hands of hockey coach Graham James - and the guilt, shame, self loathing and suicidal thoughts that came with it.
The 42-year-old told more than 150 participants at a joint Northern Health and Carrier Sekani Family Services health conference on men's issues that after he revealed his story in 1996, he received more than 2,000 letters from people telling their experiences of abuse.
"One thing I learned is that although the situations may be a bit different, the outcome is the same. It kills people in terms of suicide. That happens a ton," said Kennedy, noting he's had "several friends take that route."
In 1996, Kennedy and a second unnamed player told their stories of the sexual abuse they suffered when James coached their teams from 1984 to 1995.
James pleaded guilty in 1997 to sexually assaulting the two young men on 350 separate occasions. He was sentenced to 3.5 years in jail and was paroled in 2001.
Although he dreamed of being a hockey star, Kennedy said he was never so happy to get out of anything as he was hockey.
"I hated even talking about hockey. Abuse steals our ability to love life and causes self-loathing. I didn't believe I deserved anything good to happen in my life.
"I couldn't handle the chaos and living a double life. So I was a down-and-out person who put on a superstar cape, but inside I wanted to kill myself.
"People can say 'Just get over it,' but you don't just get over it. It takes a long time."
Now 15 years later, Kennedy is still working at healing by sharing his story and doing what he can to prevent abuse from happening to others.
He said he no longer plays the "victim" card, which he took as an excuse to drink and take drugs.
"That was the only way I could shut my head off. It worked for awhile, but it almost killed me," said Kennedy, who has been in drug and alcohol rehabilitation 10 times since age 20.
"The pain was real, but I had to throw that card away and start living my life as a non-victim."
Once he started to take a good look at his life, things began to sort themselves out, he said.
"I had to finally take that risk to change and believe it will be OK. You have to break it all down, keep it simple and, most important, be able to trust."
Kennedy said the toughest part of his healing was confronting his abuser, but it gave him back his power
"I never believed I would live my life without wanting to kill myself all the time."
Both adults and athletes need to learn about the issues and learn to read the signs, he advises.
"A 32-year-old hanging out with a 12-year-old is not normal," he said.
Kennedy has become a refuge and hope to many people who are plagued with issues.
He's a co-founder of Respect Group Inc. which provides education on-line for the prevention of abuse, bullying and harassment in sport, schools and the workplace.
Ten years after being sentenced James was pardoned by the National Parole Board.
Kennedy said there is a movement for legislative changes to give mandatory sentences to sexual offenders with no opportunity for pardon.
