It was a living nightmare she said but she got through the years of struggle and she’s happily standing on the other side of it today.
Cathy proudly looks at her 44-year-old son who has been in recovery from his addiction for the last five years. It took about 20 years and nine stints in rehab to get him there and she was with him all the way, emotionally, physically and financially.
Wesley Mitchell’s mom Cathy is the greatest mother in the whole world. Just ask him. The cofounder of the UHNBC Drummers Group won’t hesitate to tell you.
And as for Cathy, she’s a very private person and the only reason she’s sharing her story is to offer some hope to other mothers who might be going through what she went through.
“I have hugged mothers that have told me that they wished their story had the same result as mine,” Cathy said. “But their story is very different. If this helps just one person out there...”
Cathy (who wished to keep her last name unpublished) wanted to assure all the mothers out there who are doing their best for their children that it is enough.
“To the mother of an addicted child, hold your head high this Mother's Day,” is the message Cathy is sending out. “And know you did the best you could. Remember that you’re innocent and sobriety will only come when the individual is ready and that decision is one they have to make on their own.”
The guilt was a heavy burden for Cathy to carry, she added. The whys of it were overwhelming.
“We were a normal family in a nice house, he went to nice schools – he loved his sports – hockey, baseball, lacrosse – it just didn’t matter – he started drinking and it went on from there,” Cathy said. “At first I thought he’d outgrow it because he was a teenager. I thought he’d find a girl and he’d make her the priority but he didn’t. Drinking was the priority.“
Wesley began his addiction as a teenager using alcohol, then pot, and then as the years passed he said he went down a dark road and turned to crack, crystal meth and heroin. The spiral down that path was terrifying, especially from Cathy’s perspective being raised in a family that didn’t even drink.
A family tragedy took place in 1998 that sent them into a tailspin of grief. Cathy’s husband Terry, Wesley’s stepdad, died in a car accident Sept. 5.
Everyone was left reeling from that sudden loss. Cathy struggled with her own intense grief and Wesley went further into his addiction. Wesley’s biological father is a First Nations man whose parents were residential school survivors. Wesley said he knows how inter-generational trauma affected his family and made his dad what he was – a man struggling with his own demons and not able to be a father to his two sons, Wesley and his brother Richard.
Wesley’s stepfather Terry was the first real steadfast father figure Wesley had ever known and the family loved him very much.
“Wes moved to Calgary a few years after that because he was drinking too much and he thought a new beginning would be a good idea,” Cathy said. “When he moved to Calgary it got really bad. He opened the door to hardcore drugs. I was here and he was there and I knew it was trouble when I went there. He always ended up coming back to Prince George. He did stints in Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, and the only way I could support him then was to remind him that I was still here. I thought if he saw me that it would help him. I was always telling him he needed to go to treatment.”
It was really hard, as a parent, to figure out where to go for treatment when Wesley finally admitted he needed to get help, she added.
“How do you get them into treatment? They’ve got to be able to get into treatment quickly when they say they will go,” Cathy said. And that seemed to be the biggest challenge.
“It’s getting better now but it’s still a huge blocker for many, many people that are sick,” Wesley added. “Because there’s only a little window.”
Wesley gives back to the community as part of his recovery and spends lots of time with the homeless in Prince George and hears about their struggles, gently guiding those who reach out to him to try to set them on the path to recovery themselves if that is their choice.
“There is no judgment,” Wesley said. “I meet people where they’re at and if they want to reach out to get help I’ve got those numbers memorized.”
Through the years Cathy kept the whole ordeal private.
“I did not speak to anyone outside the family about it,” Cathy said. “I tried to keep it as quiet as possible and I know some coworkers knew Wes was struggling but they didn’t know how much.”
She never wanted to share those circumstances because she didn’t want to break down at work.
“And it’s not a nice conversation to have so I kept the journey very private,” Cathy said. “It changes the life of the parent, too.”
And it was about protecting Wesley’s reputation as well, she added.
“It was really important to me that he didn’t get into trouble with the law,” Cathy said. “Because I thought when he gets out of this – and I always believed he would – when he gets out of this I want him to have a clean record because so many addicts cannot get a new beginning because of their past. But, of course, as the addiction gets worse that becomes impossible.”
And the guilt.
“What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? And for other mothers going through this – you didn’t do anything wrong,” Cathy said. “Addiction doesn’t just happen to your child, it happens to your whole family and it’s heartbreaking. You just do what you can as a mother and sometimes you have to let go to save yourself… and let God take over.”
She started doing research early on because she knew nothing about addiction and the numbers stay in her head even now.
“The research I did said there’s only a three to 10 per cent chance that an addict will recover from their addiction,” Cathy said. “Three to 10 per cent, three to 10 per cent – only three to 10 per cent recover – that’s what would go through my head in the middle of the night. All I could do was hope we were part of that three to 10 per cent.”
Through the whole ordeal, Cathy always loved Wesley even when she was scared of him.
“He was so skinny and he would tell me that he was doing good,” Cathy said about when Wesley was at his worst. “He didn’t know how bad he was.”
There were times when he was so deep in his addiction and so desperate for the next fix that he would steal from Cathy.
“Those were dark days,” Wesley said, looking across the dining room table at his mom with his shoulders bent and his head low. “I stole from my own mother.”
Cathy took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter.
“You get good at hiding things – so good that sometimes I would forget where I would put things – my brain was so muddled up,” Cathy recalled. Stress and trauma will do that.
If too much time went by before Cathy heard from Wesley - because he would stay away for long periods of time - Cathy would drive around Prince George searching for him. If she found him she’d beg Wesley to come home with her, thinking she could get him into rehab - again. Sometimes he would but most of the time all she could do was get him a burger from a drive thru.
After years of falling into and out of addiction, Wesley is five years clean and thriving in the community where he’s dedicated himself to attending countless community-driven events while supporting community members.
At the beginning of the pandemic, Wesley and Ivan Paquette started drumming with a small group at the hospital to support the healthcare workers and the patients inside for 47 days straight and then every Monday night during the supper hour to let everyone at the hospital know they were not forgotten – rain or shine. They still come together with the group to drum and have promised they will not stop until the pandemic is over.
Now Cathy’s only complaint is it seems Wes is too busy to find a nice girl and settle down.
“When are you going to slow down?” Cathy asks him with a smile on her face.
Wesley smiles back at her with love shining in his eyes.
“I knew he would come out of this OK. I knew Wes would come back to the family. He’s a great person. And he’s a great son.”
