On the bright side ... waterboarding

The lack of snow in Whistler has many people, and not just Vanoc, concerned.

How would it look if we held a winter Olympics in one of the world's greatest winter wonderlands and there was no snow.

Admittedly, this scenario would be mildly embarrassing for the Vancouver Olympic poobahs, but think what the Tourism B.C. could do with a situation like that.

"When you come to Canada's Winter Olympic Playground, be sure to pack your shorts and sunscreen."

And as far as Vanoc is concerned, a little lateral thinking could put a positive spin on the situation as well.

The Vancouver Olympics could be the first Olympics, since the Greeks invented the damned thing, to invent a sport.

Instead of Snowboarding we could institute Waterboarding.

The only downside is the Americans would be the obvious gold-medal favourities.

But traditionally weak winter-sport countries like Syria, Iran, Iraq and even Afghanistan should be strong medal contenders.

Unfortunately for Canada, we missed our opportunity to medal in this sport by letting someone else practice on all our captured enemy combatants.

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If you think people who buy bottled water are nuts, you'll be convinced by this little gem.

A B.C. water-bottling company plays classical music to help soothe the water before it is put into bottles.

"I know it sounds a bit out there," Joel Kutschera, a co-founder at Vital Waters told Canadian Press.

"But we play classical music for all our waters. And we bless every bottle as well. Our intention is to make pure, balanced, smooth and full-bodied water that helps the body heal itself."

You might think Kutschera is some modern-day snake-oil salesman. He certainly seems to have found a unique pitch for stuff that comes out of the tap for free.

Not so he says.

According to Kutschera, this isn't new-age clap trap -- it's quantum physics.

"It's scientific," he explains. "I know it's hard to understand, but classical music has a beautiful vibration that the water picks up as positive energy. That's why angry rap would not be good music to play to water."

I don't know how a person could argue with that.

Rap music makes me angry. And look what it does for the people who listen to it.

Right away, it appears to reduce the IQ by at least 10 points.

Or worse, you have to start out at a near moronic level to think it's actually music.

It also appears to have a physical affect on its listeners, too.

Apparently it shrinks your bum.

So does old age, but these youngsters aren't experienced enough to know how to deal with droopy bum.

It's easy kids, do what gramps did.

Hoist your jeans from around your butt crack up to around your chest and let your ever expanding waistline do the work for you.

But maybe it is true. Maybe music does soothe the savage breast and also infuse water with magical healing powers.

But, what I do know for sure is that if Ross Perot could fancy talk like this water guru he would have been president of the United States.

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